I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
