i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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