Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
