Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize