so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
