somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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