i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize