the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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