did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
