One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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