Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
