she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
