Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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