I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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