My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
