Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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