I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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