I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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