If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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