you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
