I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
my poor anus
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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