what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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