i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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