Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You're like the curious george of whores
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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