The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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