Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
