I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
