the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
