at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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