it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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