What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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