on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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