my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize