It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
