my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Randomize
