Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i love accidental penises.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
