I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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