i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
