i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
