my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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