captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he fucked my hip out of place.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
