FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
