and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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