her vagine was all disorganized.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
