Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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