I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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