Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
