Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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