end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
