i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize