I hate your face
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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