If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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