I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
