it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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