I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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