I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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