And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize