This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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