I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
