when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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