I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
