My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
