I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
