My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
