he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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