there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He passed out mid-signature
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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