Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
