3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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