When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
