Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
