You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
